In honor of Wedding Season being upon us I put together my best bridesmaid advice. I’ve been involved in a few weddings and often wondered was there actually a point to being in all these weddings if I couldn’t make a listicle out of it? Love, friendship, happiness, memories etc. my friends replied! Listicle only, I declared! So behold my
9 Tips Spectacular, Unparalleled Advice for Being a Bridesmaid.
1. Have No Friends or Family
This is a sure fire way to guarantee cost savings. If they don’t exist they can’t ask you to be in the wedding.
If this is not an option please see 2 through 9
2. Be Secure in Yourself
Are you nervous going Bridesmaid dress shopping? At Old Navy you’re a size 10 but sometimes can squeeze an 8 so you’re hoping you can here? Well start some mindfulness exercises and learn to love yourself cause the following scenario will happen exactly:
When it’s time to go Bridesmaid dress shopping the sales lady will ask your pants size to get an idea, you will answer honestly because you are a secure adult. She will casually declare she only has a size 4 times bigger than that, but you should try it on anyways. Incredulously you will. This dress will fit.
At this point a crane will lift you out of the building because you’re too large to walk through the door, you giant beast. Did you think your normal dress size would fit? You silly fool this is the wedding industry! Get out! The sales lady is scouting for the next episode of TLC’s Wicked Fat Ladies and you’re in!
Thank you wedding industry for doing your best to make women feel good about themselves in their most emotionally vulnerable moments.
3. Know a Guy in a Wedding Party
He doesn’t have to be in the same wedding as you, he could be a friend or a coworker in another wedding. Casually wait for him to complain about having to pick up his suit, then like a gale force hurricane wind, launch into him with a detailed explanation of everything you’ve had to do as a member of the bridal party and how easy they have it by comparison. This is your right as a woman and a member of the bridal party, so take it.
4. Etsy & Pinterest
How did people plan weddings before Etsy? Did life exist before you could scroll through 19 pages of different coordinated tank tops that say Bridesmaid? I think my friend holds the record by getting to page 47 of an Etsy search, please follow up if you beat her.
Pinterest is helpful because when you’re standing in Michael’s scared you’re about to buy the wrong shade of tulle, you can reference your friend’s Pinterest board and avert the crisis. It’s good to be alive in 2016!
5. Box Out
If you don’t box out the single cousin from Maine who’s gunning for that bouquet, you will not claim victory in the bouquet toss. Also important: if you see non-single people creep into the fray for the bouquet toss, don’t be afraid to publicly shame them and ask them to remove themselves. I’ve screamed “but you’re engaged!” at other members of the bouquet toss while forcibly removing them.
6. Do the Hair and Makeup
This is a privileged piece of advice for sure, but if you can, then opt for the Hair and Makeup. It’s fun for you because you get to begin your day like Kim Kardashian begins all of hers, but more importantly social media is forever.
7. Don’t D-I-Y…if you can
I once read an article that women don’t value their time enough and should pay people to complete tasks they don’t want to do, more often. I think it was aimed at high power career women, but even if you aren’t one I would take the advice. Almost anything can be found on online.
For example a shower I was in I did a Find the Groom game which consisted of pictures of celebrities heads pasted on a drawing of a suit. You divvy them up into envelopes and one contains a picture of the groom. Originally I thought I could quickly throw it together with a few magazines, but as time went on I had work, the gym, House Hunters marathons, eating in bed, and napping, and then eating a bit more I realized I just didn’t have the time. I went on Etsy and bought the game for $7.50 and printed it at Kinkos. So for essentially the cost of 3 lattes I saved myself some time. Lean In Bridesmaids!
Addendum to 4: Sometimes Kinko’s will give you push back on printing celebrity photos because it’s technically copyrighted. Just assure them you know Conan O’Brien would be honored to appear in a tiny tuxedo next to Pitbull and Justin Bieber. This worked for me.
8. Watch the Resting Bitch Face
It’s real and it will end up in so many photos.
9. Have a Friend Who Lets You Make Your Bouquet Out of the Lord of the Rings
Where is the horse and the rider? Where is the horn that was blowing? Obviii they’re in my fantastic bouquet.
Tips for Guests From a Girl Who has Helped her Friends get Married
Stick to the Registry for Gifts
- Don’t be that person. They don’t want your macramé Pot Holder you homespun with love. Weddings are 98% a business transaction and 2% about love; if you truly care about this couple you will buy them the Ninja NJ100 Express Chop.
- No you can’t add Patricia as your plus one, and no she can most definitely not have the Prime Rib. If you’re adding an uninvited plus one, they are getting the vegan meal.
- Under no circumstances can you have the Bride’s flower crown.
Tips for Couples Getting Married
If you’re not having cake, please let me know in advance so I can RSVP no*.
Good Luck ladies!
* – Pies are acceptable alternatives